1. Make sure to hit the snooze button to pause and prolong your daily responsibility as long as possible.
Most of us set an alarm in the morning because we have way too much to do and have so little time to just allow our bodies to wake up on their own. Very few of us set the alarm in order to fulfill some sort of purpose or activity, such as exercise, for the day. The successful amongst you, well, you shut the alarm off and hop right to it. The rest of the population…
There’s always tomorrow. Besides, not everyone can rock that half-awake/half coma smile like you can! Own it, girl!
2. Grab something quick and processed for breakfast. Worst case: just nibble from your kids' plates as you attempt to dress them.
Sorry, kids. Momma’s hungry. Your half-eaten, syrup laden Eggo will surely hit the spot. If not, there are always the option of ripping open those easy to access pop-tart wrappers in the pantry.
“Grab mommy a S’mores flavor, will ya hun?”
“But mommy, you don’t even like S’mores!”
3. Wash down breakfast with Orange Juice so you can absorb all 43mg of Vitamin C along with the 43g of sugar that comes with it.
“Gotta get your Vitamin C, right?” Well sort of. Your depressed adrenals and immune system could probably use about 2,000mg, but hey, the journey of 10,000 miles begins with a single step, right? Keep believing the food industry when they tell you OJ is “packed” with Vitamin C. Just like milk is necessary for your adult bones… womp womp.
4. Rush out the door right after adding an oz of black coffee to your cup of low fat, artificially sweetened creamer.
Most people add a dash of cream or a splash of sweetener to their morning Joe. Not you…Not Ever! You like to pour your creamer first so that you make sure the coffee doesn’t take over the cup. In which case, you are probably ahead of the curve. Science shows that the dopamine hit from the sugar and sweetener is way more powerful than the caffeine’s effects ever could be. Bottom’s up! (More on coffee here: Top Coffee Supplements for Weight Loss)
5. Grab at least one whole wheat crescent roll and the lowest sugar donut from the box in the break room so that you can stave off hunger until noon.
Don’t allow yourself to get hungry in the morning. We all know that your Kellogg’s and Creamer breakfast triggered an insulin spike higher than Kilamanjaro, so as it slides down the back side of that mountain, your hunger is going to take on werewolf status pretty quick. Grab another processed carb from the break room to “balance out your blood sugar.”
6. Make sure to not have a plan for the day once you sit down to actually work. Where you left off yesterday is a good place to start.
To-do list are for squares. Live life one minute at a time. The best employees and business owners are “versatile” and “flexible” with their schedules. I like to think that our mental capacity and will power are similar to a coat hanger. The more you bend it back and forth, the more flexible and on fire you become. Yea… let’s go with that!
7. Have zero purpose in life. Just ensure you wake, rinse, and repeat every…single…day.
8. Give your employees, co-workers, and friends complete control over your calendar. If you don’t know what’s important…they surely will.
Make sure everyone in the office can see your calendar and what you are doing. That way, if they feel as though you have some free time, they can be the first to fill those slots for you. But, don’t worry. What ever they place on there will surely not be important or difficult. For if it were, they would do it themselves, right?
9. Allow your office to choose lunch for you. They always pick the most comforting dishes.
And why stop at your calendar? Let them choose your meals as well. Your co-workers for sure don’t want to see you lose weight or look better than they do when you guys split for 5’oclock happy hour later today. They will do what they can to keep you nice and plump. And besides, you don’t need anymore decision fatigue creeping up on you throughout the day. Just allow everyone else to choose your meals for you. And worst case, just reheat last night’s dinner at your desk to save some time:
10. Worry about no one else but yourself. Even your kids will attempt to sway you from this pillar. Don’t let those selfish snots take this from you as well.
From the moment you wake up, it might appear that your spouse and your kids, the little blood sucking demons that they can be, are both looking to purposely drain the life out of you. They all need feeding, bathing, alone time, and ubering around town to and from their hobbies. But, y'all don't worry about mom. Don't worry that she needs to acutally eat, not use dry shampoo to wash her hair for once, and maybe (just maybe) take two seconds to deep breathe in the closet while she is prentending to do laundry. Those really aren't "necessities" no matter how meaningful they may be to you.
If you are interested in reading about all the other things you should be doing in order to purposely sabotage your health, pick up a copy of the book, below. And, if you want to be rationally selfish for once and invest in yourself and your health this year, take a look at our clinical/coaching offering, below as well.
Note*: No parents were harmed in the writing of this article. It's purposes are strictly facetious. Let's face it, getting healthy while raising kids and taking care of a family is tough. We want to help. Tell us how.